Monday, January 28, 2013

Here's An Oldie: Febreze Me!

This is an excerpt from the original blog, and it still makes me giggle.

     Do you remember a few years ago, when everything that came out was "also a camera!"? Everything you got had a camera built in. Cell phones starting advertising mega-pixels. Mp3 players allowed you to take videos. Go to buy an apple, and it has a built in camera to watch you digest it. Everything had a freaking camera in it! It was annoying for a while, but now we just accept that every piece of technology comes with a camera. Web-cams attached, face time for I-phones, video chatting, hell even some cosmetics have cameras so you can check your face without a mirror! Whatever. I like taking pics.



     I also like Febreze. I like it. I'm not in love with it, I don't want to marry it, and I don't want to bathe in it to smell it every second. But apparently, the makers of Febreze want me to. Everything now comes with Febreze Freshness. First there was the air freshener. Ok, that makes sense. Then came candles. Not a far leap, some people don't like sprays. Then cleaners. Not bad, who wants to smell bleach? Then they put it in fabric softeners and laundry detergents. Sounds good to me, I douse all my clothes in Febreze anyway, now this just saves me an extra step. Then came kitty litter with Febreze. While I appreciate the idea of not wanting to smell kitty litter all day, I doubt anybody is fooled walking by the litter box. Your friends don't go snooping around it, checking for odors. And if it smells than dang bad, CHANGE IT!! Take out the poop! How hard is that?! But last night, as I was mindlessly watching TV at 3am, thumbing through infomercials for my favorites (yes, I have favorites!) I saw a commercial that caught my eye. Trash bags. Glad Force Flex specifically. Trash bags, with the remarkable technology to fit an entire grand piano and not break, thought they needed an improvement. They added Febreze! Why?? Who is smelling your trash? Is your trash really that bad? Quit throwing away so much food! Wasteful. Take your trash out more often! Laziness. Here's a thought- go to the dollar store and buy a lid for it! Simple. WHY does everything need to come with Febreze Freshness??? Does it harness some magical power I didn't know about? Do they really think they are SO awesome, they can overcome the smell of rotting food and dirty litter boxes?

     Well, I'm here to help Febreze Marketers. I'm going to help you branch out. You know what Febreze lovers really want? Perfume. We can smell it all day. With accompanying body wash and lotions. And, let's go ahead and make some paint with it too. Not only would you avoid that fresh wet paint odor, you could be greeted by Febreze Freshness as son as you walk in the door- without have to walk past those creepy motion detecting air freshener discs. I don't like feeling stalked in my own home. It's just unnerving. Let's also make Febreze toothbrushes and toothpaste. Forget old fashioned mint flavors! That's a sure sign you're trying too hard, that just-brushed-my-teeth-in-case-you-want-to-kiss-me smell is SO last season! Everyone wants to brush with Febreze. Febreze Tic Tacs would also be nice. It's like a freshness party in my mouth! My date would never know I brushed for 20 minutes in case he wanted to tongue me later or have a hot make-out session after dinner. It goes with my perfume!

     I think the next ridiculous product that should be shoved down your throat and come in everything you buy is a pair of tweezers. Seriously. The people who WANT them can never find a pair when they need them. And the people who truly NEED them, obviously have no clue they exist. The uni-brow is completely preventable! There is no longer any excuse for overgrown lip hair and bushy brows. It's gross. You make me want to gouge out my eyes and pour bleach on my retinas when I see your Mr Bean like face. Invest in a mirror. Perhaps you haven't seen yourself in 10 years. That's the only excuse for your furry existence.